My Disappointing Ellen Evening

Since I was a kid, I had an innate ability to spot the difference between authority and fake authority. When a police officer tells me I need to stand behind the yellow line, I stand behind the yellow line. When a guy wearing a yellow polo shirt and an I.D. card on a lanyard says stand behind the yellow line, the trouble begins. The following is an example of how this tendency plays out in my life, and why I get on TV so much.

Today I was on Twitter, thinking about how annoying Twitter is, when someone retweeted a tweet (ugh) from the Ellen TV show. Apparently representatives from her show were going to be at ASU giving away HUGE prizes.
I needed something that started with an A, S, and U. I grabbed an Afro, stuck it on my Skeleton, opened an Umbrella, and dashed out the door. One of the perks of working at home is the freedom to drop everything at a moment's notice and rush off to try to win some fabulous prizes. I'll have to stay up late to finish, but it's still nice to have the option.
When I got there, I saw a giant truck loaded with new cars, with Ellen's face plastered on the side. My '98 Corolla has served me well, and refuses to break down, but it would be fun to put the F Minus license plate on a new car. Unfortunately, a huge crowd had already gathered, including several people with umbrellas. I felt a little disappointed, until I noticed a news crew setting up to interview a guy in a shark suit. I decided that if I was going to win a car, I needed to get interviewed and get some attention.

This is where ignoring fake authority comes in handy. I strolled over to where the news crew was setting up. A security guy (this one was in a purple polo) said, "Hey, you need to stand over there behind the rope."

"I'm going to be interviewed." I said confidently. He scratched his head, looked around, and waved me on.

Confidence will get you everywhere kids. If you act like you know what you're doing, most people will think you do. That's how I managed to sneak into the VIP section at a celebrity football game without a pass, and sit in a section with a bunch of Playboy Bunnies and Wee-Man.
So I stood next to the guy in the shark costume. When the anchor turned around, I was standing there smiling. Within minutes I was on live TV. I don't remember what I said.

After the interview, the security guard tried to usher me away. I acted confused and shuffled around the staging area. This works because technically, no one has the specific job of making sure Tony Carrillo isn't in the staging area.

I ended up in the front row using the "confused dork" method. Things were looking up. The Ellen show was going to be recording live, and some of her minions were choosing who was going to be featured on the show.

As the title of this blog suggests, I wasn't picked. They chose the nearly naked college students over me and my skeleton. I know. Shocking. But as it turns out, the prize was only $5000. Sure, that's still a great prize, but after they paraded those new cars in front of us, it was kind of a let-down. No one got a car. What's the deal, Ellen? I spent the rest of the night irritating the security guards by not standing on the curb when they asked me to stand on the curb.

Even though I didn't win, it was still a fun evening. You might see me in the background of Ellen tomorrow, or being interviewed on Channel 12 news tonight at ten if you're in AZ. Remember kids, don't respect the polo.